Me and my coach. The Chrystal Evans Hurst.

“When did you start giving away your power?”

“When did you start giving away your power?”

I stared across the Zoom screen at my business coach as she posed the question. Trying not to let the tears fall, I scoured through my memories not wanting to admit when it happened. We were working through a conversation about why I wasn’t hitting some of my personal and professional goals, which I thought was completely unrelated to my healing journey. But just hearing her say…

“Why are you reacting to everything?”

“You have a sense of agency, you CAN make decisions,”

“Your power is not being stolen, you’re giving it away.”

I didn’t realize the conversation would uncover another layer of my stuck-ness. I realized I have been operating in all the quadrants of my life in a very reactionary way -  just responding to whatever happens, and this has been my default setting for the last 10 years.

Another simple question, “When was the last time you felt like you had a voice?”

My mind traveled back in time… “before I was married?” I muttered out loud. The question wasn’t because I wasn’t sure that it was the answer, the question was the reality within. The “was that really the last time?” and the inner resounding answer, “yes, before I was married.” And then tears.

Before I was married, I trusted myself more, I felt like I knew what I was doing. I was perfectly fine with pulling the trigger and making a decision (even if I wasn’t fully confident or sure of how it would turn out). I was a much more decided person, less cautious, less timid, less intentionally quiet.

“Was it taken or did you give it away?” – “a little bit of both” is my reply. Mostly giving it away, putting myself on mute to keep the peace, to keep him happy at the expense of myself, to continue to be…”chosen.” To be clear, my natural wiring has always been to accommodate others, to not be a bother, not to ruffle feathers, not to disagree or you fill in the blank. I’m learning it was all motivated by the idea that if I DID those things - people would not choose me, would not want me, would not love me. This early habit was magnified in a dysfunctional marriage full of betrayal and so I went mute. I got quiet. I lost my voice and my confidence. And now…I am just responding to life.

Deep breath.

“You do know what you are doing. You are just out of practice,” she says.

The liberation of that sentence, I can’t fully describe. Shifting my perspective from a victim to a victor. From a responder to a decision maker. Just in the simple reminder, that I CAN trust myself again. I CAN make good decisions. I do know what I want to do. Thank you, Jesus, for a good coach.

So friend, as I continue to unpack those questions and get more healing in this area of being chosen (are we starting to see a theme here? LOL) I pose the same questions to you. For maybe, you too like me only need to be reminded that…

“You DO KNOW what you are doing. You’re just out of practice.”

 

Journal prompts - 

How are my past experiences impacting my current decisions?

Make two lists. One with the things I want to say “Yes” to and the other list of things I want to say “no” to.

When was the last time you felt like you had your voice?  What kind of emotions or physical sensations come up when you remember that time? – (use your feelings wheel to help)

Be reminded of this scripture today:

Hebrews 10:39 (The Passion Translation) – But we are certainly not those who are held back by fear and perish; we are among those who have faith and experience true life.

1 Peter 2 (NIV) – But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

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