I'm not a beggar.

I'm not a beggar.

“I’m not a beggar.”

This sentence has me been ringing in my mind ever since it left my counselor’s lips. He was listening to me unpack my temptation and longing for someone who’s hurt me deeply to see me, to acknowledge me, and realize the pain they’ve caused and the bag of damaged goods I’m left holding.

“I’m not a beggar… I’m not a beggar…" My honest reaction when I first heard it, was a bit taken back, maybe even an offense, or poke at my pride. My internal defiance of “I’m NOT a beggar!” was quickly stolen by my fearful insecurity… “Am I ...a beggar?” As we sat and unpacked in the rest of the session, as I walked it out and talked it out and grunted it out with the Lord, in prayer that night, and on a walk that next day… a realization, and an awakening came. “I’m not a beggar.” God didn’t design me that way.

I imagined myself, dressed in rags, holding a cardboard sign up in the air. Instead of “will work for food” my sign said “will work for love” … a beggar. Doing anything, taking anything, scraps, pennies, whatever you can give, in exchange for a little bit of love, a little bit of being seen.

And then the still small voice of my loving Father, God interrupts. "I don’t even make you work for love, daughter. I give it to you freely. No effort required. You don’t have to beg for my love. You need only ask. You don’t have to work to be seen by me. I already see you. I already know you. I’ve always loved you. And I will validate you. I will value you. And I see the pain you’re in, and I will stay with you until it’s gone."

It's so interesting and frustrating quite honestly, the way I am learning how much I’ve worked for love. I’ve always tried to earn it, by doing, by being easy-going and letting others and their wants and needs drive the course of my life without giving much value to my own.

I’ve always thought I’ve had to EARN love, from people…from God. And I’ve even craved for what God has already given me freely from other people. Aren’t we all like that? Valuing the creation even more than the Creator. 

The Lord is gracious enough that even through my pain, my unhealthy scrambling for this person to love me, to see me, to acknowledge me the Lord is reminding me that He has been, and always will be, right there, loving me, and seeing me and valuing me. And I don’t need to work for it.

I am not a beggar.

Journal Prompts:

Have you been frustrated with someone who’s caused you pain and their lack of acknowledging that? What are some things you’re hoping they will do for you to help in your healing: for example, “if they could just _________ then I would be able to ________." 

Have you ever found yourself “working” for something from others that God has already given you? In what ways?

What’s one thing you can release to God today about the situation? What’s one thing you can receive from God today about the situation?

Be reminded of this scripture today:

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's Holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19, NIV 

Back to blog

Leave a comment

Please note, comments need to be approved before they are published.